I have all my life felt... Bigger. Even though I'm the shorty who gets teased for being shorter than everybody else (even if it's only slightly), I have always felt different than other people. I still remember being around my cousins who were petite and cute and I felt... Chubby. I tried to hide behind a loud and sometimes even bratty personality in the beginning. I always wanted to grow up to be that slender, graceful, princessy, cheerleader person. I never truly felt like a princess because I felt Big. Then I found people who really cared about me as a person and that has carried me so far. I couldn't have changed but for those individuals.
But now, as I'm turning the page into a new chapter of my life, I really want to be the person I've always wanted to be. (Not a cheerleader now, obviously, I have a general disdain for their type, excluding some glorious exceptions). I have always felt too fat to dance, to do gymnastics, to ice skate, to swim, all things I truly have loved or wanted to do. But I want to be someone new who is completely me on the inside, but reflects that in confidence on my exterior.
If you don't know, someone of my age and heighth, at a healthy weight is at MOST 140 lbs. that means I am at least 40 pounds over my healthy weight. Visibly, I don't truly appear to be my weight at first glance. I have a small waist and try to wear flattering clothes. But these only mask the fact that I am not healthy. In fact, this weight puts me at a size 14-16 and on the edge of the obese category. I am not proud.
To become the person I want to be, it's going to take long-term lifestyle changes, otherwise, my body will never change. Kaylee at letsmakeitup1 on YouTube really inspired me with her video about how she changed her lifestyle, lost weight, but most importantly, overcame the mental-emotional challenges of her journey of fluctuating weight (link to that video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csiRsKVvDo4&feature=youtube_gdata_player). Other people, when they talk about weightloss, they talk about techniques, and although those are helpful, Kaylee really helped me to think about the person I want to be and what motivates me.
So here's my list of what motivates me to lose weight and change my lifestyle:
1.) I want to be around for a long time.
The most important adults in my life, especially in my teenage years, have tended to be overweight. There's no real reason for this, besides the common lifestyle of the area I live in, but each of these people have made an impression on me in impossible ways. I have seen the lives they have led, and how their lifestyles have had a negative impact on their bodies and very likely, their longevity. Their hips, knees, and joints ache nearly constantly from the stress of weight pressure on them. They have issues like Diabetes, Lupus, stress, fatigue, respiratory and heart complications that have threatened their lives. And their weight and lifestyle has been a huge contributing factor to all of these and more. I know that if I don't make these changes while I am young, I will follow in their footsteps, and submit myself to the same fate. It really bothers me to know that I am not at a healthy weight. I know for a fact, that if I don't take care of my body and treat it with the respect it deserves, I wont get to live in it for long. (I also have physical challenges in the next year that I have to face [AKA, an LDS mission], and I need to adapt my lifestyle to be able to meet that opportunity).
2.) The opposite sex.
This seems like a terribly shallow motovation, but it is perfectly valid at my stage of life. We are judged on sight at first impression, and it is very hard to change a first impression sometimes. I remember once, during high school, a guy friend and I were walking and talking after class, and somehow, our conversation lent him to mention how I wasn't really the thinnest person. This was devastating to me, because I had a crush--nay, an infatuation with this particular young man, and for him to point out my biggest insecurity was withering. It took a lot of work to recover my psyche and wear the shirt I was wearing that day again. I know that in my stage of life, physical attraction is a large part of what makes a person want to date someone else. I know, on the other hand, from experience, that personality can totally change your outlook on how somebody looks. What it comes down to though, is I HATE standing next to a guy and feeling like he is skinnier than me. In so many ways, that feels wrong. If I'm attracted to someone, but can't get over the fact that I don't feel physically comfortable with him, I will never be able to show them my true confidence. I want to love somebody more than anything, and I want to change into a person equal to the person I want to marry.
3.) My mental-emotional-physical balance.
When I was 15, I experienced some dark, traumatic depression that made me feel so isolated. In recovering from that, I found balance in my mental, emotional, spiritual well-being through my Faith, Friends, and Family. There remains many confidence issues in myself, however. I doubt my words when I speak, and stumble and end up sounding like a fool. Though that is something a little more seperate, it's the tip of the ice-berg on my confidence issues. I will one day, feel super confident and about my abilities, and then they're tested, and I feel like a failure. It's an unhealthy cycle that I will have to work on in my life. But on top of that, I have confidence issues with my physical appearance. When I watch videos and look at pictures of myself, all I see is the folds and large curves that I know underneath are flabby, extra, unnecessary fat. I hate watching myself, so much of the time. My body and speech are so distracting that I can't get over it and listen to what I mean. The fact that my body is so distracting is detrimental to my psyche, and causes me extra stress that I really need to live without in my life. Even the little steps in changing my mindset and physical lifestyle has brought me joy and confidence already. I know that if I could change my physical being, it will improve my psyche and confidence and add to my overall balance in my journey to the person I know I can be eternally.
So there you have it. I've been someone up to this point that I am extremely proud of, but in the journey to becoming who I have always been, I have to take care of my body. And that starts today. I'm going to record my jourmey here, so that maybe, someone like me can find it in themselves to change for the better.
No comments:
Post a Comment